I have never felt good about breaking laws and hurting people. It doesn’t bring me peace. I figured in life it’s either them or me. The thing is I was so hungry to be accepted, known, loved, respected and recognized. I knew if I didn’t lie about who I am, I wouldn’t get the things I desire. i supposed we all have the basic survival instinct, but most of the people who judge people like me have never been ignored or looked down upon. it breeds depression and desperate people do desperate things.
so I did what I had to do. I lied, i lied about myself and background. my siblings and parents. everybody was always better off than I was, well at least to me they were. i knew it was wrong but I was young. The lies went on and got even deeper. Some lies became the truth. I quickly discovered that a girl needs more than lies, you have to live the life style you claim to have. you had to attend parties, even throw them. Not too long I was a whole new person even hurting those that knew me for me and loved me for me. I told myself that it wouldn’t be forever but we tell ourselves all sort of things. I told myself once high school was over, in college I would be myself , I would change.
Time went by and I was able to keep up with the lies. I got into college and it crossed my mind. Nobody knows me here. This is my chance to live my truth, the real me. I thought about making new friends and living and honest life. Later that night I was invited to a really cool party with some really rich and cool kids. It wasn’t long before I had the reputation of lying again. About who I am. The lies they all came back. I couldn’t sleep at night, it was high school all over gain. Yes I felt guilty I love my parents, I love what they do , I was proud of them, yet I wanted more. I decided to change colleges. yes I did. In a new country far away from home where no one really knows me.This time I was determined to start all over and live my truth. This is my chance, my heart was filled with hope. I never wanted to be hungry with fame and popularity, I wanted what was real. I remember my first day. I immediately connected with someone. She was someone most people will call a nerd but she was exactly what I was.